jueves, 18 de diciembre de 2008

ELLAS Y ELLOS

Tras el éxito rotundo y memorable del último programa, sólo nos queda aceptar, con modesto y falso rubor, las múltiples alabanzas de unos pocos y pedir disculpas, más falsas aún si cabe, a la gran mayoría de nuestros sufridos oyentes. Pero esto es lo que hay, amigos, alegría e higiene ante todo.

Hemos recibido multiples llamadas, en concreto una o ninguna, sobre nuestra sección "Nuria responde", en la que, entre música en silencio y efectos sonoros inexistentes, comentamos los principales errores de mujeres y hombres occidentales a la hora de mantener relacione íntimas, véase, el viejo 1-2, 1-2. Ahí van las más celebradas (Durruti se ha llevado las fotocopias, y no me acuerdo de más). No dudes en apuntar alguna nueva (si es escabrosa y basada en hechos reales, mejor que mejor):

Ellos

5 Locking onto her nipples like a suckling child. Yes, we know it's fun for you. To her it just feels like she's got a teething infant hanging off her breast. Lick and kiss around her whole breast before you go for the nipple, then flick your tongue gently across the nipple and around the areolae. If she likes what you're doing, you'll know by her moans of pleasure.

12 Dropping the condom on the floor.Must we say why this isn't the most popular move post sex? Dispose of the condom tidily in a tissue - put it in the bin rather than down the toilet, or it's likely to float there for some time to come as a reminder of your sexual encounter.

16 Undressing yourself inelegantly - which includes taking your socks off after your underwear. Nothing is more comical (or pathetic) to a woman than a man in his socks and pants. Except possibly a naked man wearing socks. If you don't understand why, just accept that it is so.

Ellas

1. Assuming he can get a raging hard on when it suits you. Contrary to popular belief, men can't just flip a switch and get it up because you decided to stop being a frigid bitch. Getting it hard is your job. I suggest you figure it out.

11. Expecting him to undress himself with any amount of grace. He's about to get some pussy. Be glad he bothered to take his pants all the way off. If it concerns you so much, undress him yourself.

14. Assuming that sex means a relationship. The only relationship you have is that he has now stuck his hoo hoo dilly in your cha cha. That's as far as it goes unless otherwise noted.

36. Refusing to try things in the name of "making love". You're not making anything. You are naked. With another person. Making strange faces and weird noises. Stop romanticizing it.